The Few, The Painful
MARJORIE CURET
DEC 27, 2024
I didn’t know that the relationship was troubled.
I had met them many times and I noticed he was a bit disengaged, but that could of been because he was tired or the information we were going over wasn’t that exciting, right? He never said or behaved in a way towards his wife that was off putting at all, but when they left my office, it turns out he was another man.
Sometimes international relationships get a bad reputation.
Many people have heard of 90 Day Fiancé . It’s an American reality television series on TLC that follows couples who have applied for or received a K-1 visa, which allows foreign fiancés of US citizens to enter the United States with the requirement to marry within 90 days.
It is wild to watch couples in absolute train wrecks of relationships go through that process. However, remember that all the really good ones are probably not getting filmed for a reason. Do people want to witness a really health cross-cultural relationships learn from each other lovingly and respectfully? Yawn
I have been very fortunate that the majority of couples that have come my way are in some great relationships and would never make the cut to be on this show. However, mentioning the majority means that I must have some minority case or cases that didn’t end up so well and this post is in memory of that couple.
She admitted that she never told me because she felt ashamed. She said that her need to keep working on the relationship was so strong because the belief that he would change or that things would get better was so strong.
Her hope clouded her judgment and even close friends were shocked when the truth finally came out.
She endured an emotionally and physically distant man for years. While she yearned for just a bit of warmth from him, an embrace, a kind word. Now in Canada, he turned bitterly cold. She was painfully neglected and kept it all to herself.
They are going through the process of divorce, but this isn’t something that can easily be recovered from. I know her trust and heart were shattered and scars exist even after wounds heal. Marriage is suppose to be a sacred bond, but unfortunately, there are instances where it's exploited for fraudulent purposes.
In Canada, we value multiculturalism and also want to protect our citizens and permanent residents from being used as a way to evade immigration laws and regulations.
For your own piece of mind and to protect yourself from heartache, here's how you can safeguard yourself:
1. Know the Signs
Be wary if your partner seems more interested in your Canadian citizenship or residency status than building a genuine relationship.
- Signs may include:
- Rushing into marriage (“We’re not young anymore!”)
- Excessive love bombing or a hot & cold kind of relationship
- Reluctance to introduce you to family or friends. Didn’t meet the parents? That’s should be a big red flag to your friends and will be to Immigration too.
- Avoiding discussions about future plans beyond obtaining residency (“All I know is I miss you, when are you bringing me?”)
Many may know this is something to look out for and may say they are not interested in Canada at first and don't want to move. They may even put down your country and talk about how much better their country/culture is, but then later steer the conversation back to how difficult it may be for you to live abroad.
“We should be close to your parents. Oh, my parent? Yeah, don’t worry about them.” - A Very Eager Spousal Prospect
2. Verify Intentions and Compatibility
Before tying the knot, have open and honest conversations about your future together. Ask about long-term goals, shared values, and aspirations.
Genuine partners will be willing to discuss these topics and demonstrate a commitment beyond immigration benefits.
Often times these long term goals are also known by their friends & family members and it doesn't hurt to double check that you haven't been told something different than what everyone else knows to be true.
If there are major differences in age, social class, education, religion and no common language- these can be red flags to Immigration. Being “hot” usually isn’t enough to get immigration to stop asking questions.
3. Conduct Background Checks
Conducting background checks on your partner can provide valuable insights and Immigration is going to do their own version anyway. Verify their employment history, social media presence, and any inconsistencies in their story.
Many Canadians will do this even when dating citizens- for their own safety- so don’t let dramatics detour you when you ask for certain information. It is important to ensure that they're not already married.
It’s important that there isn’t a history of violence.
Some are afraid of admitting they have children. Understand that it may be difficult to impossible to bring children who have not been declared at the time of applying for a Family Class application. Couples should be open to discuss even sensitive topics.
4. Trust Your Instincts
If something feels off or too good to be true, trust your instincts.
Don't ignore gut feelings or dismiss warning signs. New relationships can feel exciting and it can be hard to ask yourself the right questions. Take the time to investigate further and seek advice from trusted friends or family members.
If in doubt, ask a friend or family member their opinion.
5. Think Long Term
Remember that there is a three year undertaking where you will be responsible to supply the necessities of life and pay any social assistance that that person may take from the government.
You don't want to be stuck paying back thousands of dollars because of supporting the wrong person. Make sure that there is trust between you above all.
6. Seek Professional Advice
Consult with an immigration lawyers or experts who specialize in family applications. Your representative also does not want to submit something dishonest and would rather know the whole story.
They can also provide guidance on the legal aspects of marriage, immigration requirements, and potential red flags to watch out for. They may spot things in documents that you don’t even see- so ask, ask, ask!
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